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Hi. I wanted to put this out there, not as an excuse but as a revelation. I'm sorry you guys. Horribly, dreadfully awfully sorry. It took me years to realize what I was doing and what I had done. Even longer to get the notion to say it or admit I was wrong. -- and longer still to muster the nerve to tell you it. I remember when I was 12 and I didn't have many friends. I was happy-go-lucky and didn't care. I entered junior high and met Kristina thanks to a girl named Leah and I don't even remember her last name but I was so happy to have a friend I could rely on and trust and I loved her for who she was as a person and because she was happy to be herself no matter her faults or shortcomings, she was just safe in her own skin. Friendships for me were normal at this time and for 3 years after as much as immature relationships can go, we had ups and downs but we saw through it and it made is grow as people. I met Lindsay and Sherrey through Kristina, and although they were younger than us we loved them anyway. When I turned 15 and started my first year in high school we had been going to different schools for a while. I skipped school a lot namely at a boy named Tristan's house who raped me and I sank into a depression of it was my fault, it didn't happen, what's going on?, I have no real friends, they should know, I can't tell them, they'd hate me, it's my fault, nothing's the same, I hate myself, what do I do?, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, I let him do it, I'm sad, I deserved it. I didn't tell anyone about it until earlier this year -- more than 9 years later. All the while I shoved everyone out. I created a lot of drama and sabotaged situations subconsciously to build a wall in between the people who were my friends and I. I lied, I stole, I became an awful person. Kristina: Ayucat, Ayu, Hazumi. I shoved you away the most. I hated you the most. You had everything I wanted. You're so sure of yourself, and positive and pretty and you have the biggest and most forgiving heart. I'm glad -- so glad -- you found a boyfriend and friends who can treat you with as much respect as you deserve. You've been through so much, and you still maintain a positive attitude through it all. I admire you so much you don't even realize. Lindsay: Fuyu. I think I shared the least amount of time with you. I thought you had the most going for you because you're beautiful, smart and magnetic so I held you at higher standards than anyone else -- which ultimately pressed the idea that I'd be the most disappointed in you if you did something I didn't approve of. Your acceptance of me and the things I did made me want to tell you most of all what had happened to me because I wanted you to understand everything and thats the biggest regret I have but things happen for a reason. I don't know much about what you're doing anymore, but I hope whatever it is you're happy. Sherrey: Natsu, Y-ko. I think I related the most to you on a personal level. We both had so many shitty things happen to us that you were the person I could cling to. Unfortantely at that time we were still very 2-faced and shady and I never thought I could trust you completely for whatever reason. Most likely my own insecurities. but I had the most fun with you doing whatever we did. I think I latched onto you because it felt like you needed me and I could take care of you. take you away from your dad, buy you food and all that. Although I think you'd have done just fine on your own, we kept eachother out of a depression. My mindset just ran off after Rick entered the picture because you had someone else to rely on so my attachment let go one string at a time until everything was severed. I'm so sorry I let that happen, but we both needed that step up in life. basically, I'm sorry I sabotaged our relationships. I'm not asking your forgiveness or sympathy. I just want you to know that I do realize I was wrong and mean and a resentful person and I'm sad there was so much hurt feelings in the middle of it. I do realize what I had, could have had and grown with out of all of you. So thanks for sticking by me the time that we were together and I wish you all happiness. | |||
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| s h i b a t o r a ; |
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Teppei & Konch in the same drama? yes plz. starts on the 8th, so I'll have to remember to watch it. I wish Narumi had a more prominent role, but whatever. atleast one of my fabled couples is on the same set together, and atleast her name is actually on the cast list because she usually plays such minor roles. Code Blue starts on the 3rd.... with Yui so I'll probably watch that one too ... plus I like medical drama ...... but ..... Yamapi as a doctor? Oh puh~leeze..... Toda Erika is also a no for this, but what can I say ..... I love Yui. | |||
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| stolen, so i expect others to steal ; |
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What color are your eyes? blue. sometimes greenish, depending on what i am wearing. What does your third text say? "Lol" Do you like what you see in the mirror? uhhhhh..... sometimes. What are you listening to right now? SOME BOYS! TOUCH - Goto Maki What’s one word to describe you? yumekui What are your plans for this weekend? getting Lily a pool. What makes you laugh? everyone i live with, funny texts, etc How is your room looking? it was looking fine until i started getting things and piling them on the dresser... :( i need to pick up the crap on the floor, too. Get asked anything ridiculous lately? "u holy?" What are you doing tomorrow? working. Faith? the intrinsic belief in something without need of literal proof. What are you most looking forward to today? well... today is almost over.. Have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past 7 hours? Jamie. oh wait.. that was 8 hours ago. x_x so no. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours? Yes. Do you like your first name? uh... to an extent. i like using different names depending on my mood. Do you like to cuddle? yes, not not with just anyone. What are your initals? AMT. .... looks like a mispelling of ATM. Baseball or football? none. Married? no. Favorite kind of blanket? the same penguin blanket i've had since i was like 10.. LOL it's still in pretty good shape, too. What's your biggest fear? popsicle sticks, someone watching from the woods... How do you feel about chocolate-covered strawberries Good. What kind of soap do you use? Dove, annnndddddd bath & body works. Europe or the Caribbean? Europe. How do you feel about racism? not fond of it. Who is the sexiest person alive? Matsumoto Jun. Who was the last person you talked to on MSN or AIM? Renee. Name a song that reminds you of old memories? Endless Rain - X-Japan Do you like the color gray? yes. Is there someone you really can't stop thinking about? not really. Look outside, how's the weather? rainy & dark. i can't see the rain but i know it is there. Are you jealous of anyone right now? no. Did you ever think someone didn't like you, but came to find out they really did? yes. When was the last time you ate grilled cheese? a few months ago. Name something great that happened today: skinning - 100+ Do you regret doing something today? no. When you think of the rainbow, what pops in your head? "pretty......" | |||
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| i will be ; |
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there's nothing i could say to you, nothing i could ever do to make you see what you mean to me. all the pain -- the tears i cried -- still you never said goodbye & now i know how far you'd go. i know i've let you down, but it's not like that now. this time i'll never let you go. i will be all that you want & get myself together 'cause you keep me from falling apart. all my life, i'll be with you forever to get you through the day and make everything okay. i thought that i had everything. i didn't know what my life could bring but now i see, honestly ... you're the one thing i got right, the only one i let inside -- now i can breathe 'cause you're here with me. & if i let you down i'll turn it all around 'cause i would never let you go. i will be all that you want and get myself together 'cause you keep me from falling apart. all my life i'll be with you forever to get you through the day and make everything okay. 'cause without you i can't sleep. i'm not gonna ever, ever let you leave ... you're all i want, you're all i've got. & without you i don't know what I'd do.. i can never, ever live a day without you. here with me, do you see, you're all i need. | |||
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| kick out → break out → |
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[music] Ar Tonelico → EXEC_SUSPEND So if it isn't one thing, it's another it seems. This year has been extremely stressful. I just got over strep throat a couple weeks ago. Now I apparently have pinkeye and I don't even know where the Hell I got it from unless it was from Bethel Junior High because that's where I worked yesterday. I'm just going to have to buy whatever i can and continuously wash my face and hands so I hopefully won't have to go see a doctor. I have penicillin left over from strep ... so maybe since this is bacteria it will help this as well... but I can't help but feel like Junko now that I have a ball of TP tucked under my glasses. :( it's no eye patch..... but still. & it's not even that it's red and a little painful.... I mostly hate that it's so light sensitive. >_ | |||
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| these tender days ; |
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[mood] cranky [music] ArTonelico → Phantasmagoria My eye seriously hurts today. It's extremely red and the tiny veins are poking out all over and makes it hurt when it's closed. x_o; I'm hopefully selling ym car tomorrow, which will end all this frustration over money. I have BARELY enough to get by this month as it is, but after we move it'll be better. I know it will. It's just right now that's the problem. I'm sick of this work drama. LOL "save your drama for your mama" as I've been told this week. XD my co-worker ignored me all night and then just left at 9:30 without telling me when she wasn't off until 11. Well, 9:30 was when I actually noticed so who knows when she actually left or why. Argh. Gonna go hunt some allies. :( | |||
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Ehh.. was gonna write something like an hour ago. :B will later. maybe. | |||
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K-ko: 23. A girl. Light class. Likes many different things, but most importantly dream (especially Kana), Sifow, misono, Ami, & Kou. Is usually doing artistic things such as graphics, drawing, singing & dance but is not good with any. Loves grapefruity scents. Situated with colours aqua, white, & gold.